Depression is my cross to bear. It is a process of God showing me how to walk in my freedom. It is an ocean with high tides and low, and everyday is a chance for God to show me how to balance the two.
Going through the shadows of life sometimes makes it hard to have hope in a new day. For so long, I had no motivation or inspiration to get out of bed in the morning. So, I asked God to give me a relationship. He did. It stressed me out and failed miserably. When it was over, I found it even harder to rise for a new day. So, I asked God to give me friends and activities to do. He did. They disappointed me with their wavering loyalty. One minute they wanted to crowd my space. The next minute they disappeared. Multiple friends. Not just one. Then those friendships faded to black, and I was left with the ones I started with in the first place. The activities? Well, they didn’t work for my benefit either. Even the bible study group I was a part of left me feeling isolated in my own thoughts. Once again, the sun peaking through my window only made me dread what was to come next. The monotony of it all. So, I asked God for my purpose. He gave me my artistry. Helped me discover the gifts hiding behind what the world tried to tell me I was. It was beautiful! It was hard at first, but I fell back into the practice of writing before I knew it. I’m still here. Writing. I still love it. It still gives me such a sense of joy to release emotions I don’t always have the courage to say. It’s amazing.
…But I still found my body turning to lead as I tried to rise each day. Writing, did not make me want to jump out of bed in the morning. It did not fill the hole I thought it would. It was great, but my soul was still thirsty. Still dehydrated. So, what was left?
God allowed me time to discover that He is the only one that will give me the type of joy my heart desperately longed for. That in the dark corridors of my emotions, He is the light. That joy only comes in the morning, if it’s Him I’m counting on. The rest of the world? Well, it stops short. There are so many beautiful things in this life, but beauty is a fading flower. And I need something a little more permanent when I’m constantly fighting off the black fog in my mind. The only thing that has been unwavering throughout 23 years of life has been God. So, I wake for Him. To hear His voice. To see His face. To sit in His presence just a little longer.
Now, I can rise. Now, I can fight. Now, I actually want to get out of bed in the morning.
I pray you will also discover what makes you want to pull the covers back and start a new day with new hopes. Because that’s what life’s about. One new day after another. One new opportunity. One new chance. One new hope. Life is a series of starting again. So, seek and find what gives you the new energy to start again.
Rise and shine! 🙂