Journeys Back Home

I wanted to journey across the world.

I wanted to plan an escape outside the state. California, New York, New Orleans. Anywhere outside of where I stood would surely bring me happiness and contentment.

The more I planned to run away, the more I realized I was trying to escape the wrong thing. It wasn’t about where I was physically. The discontent was growing inside of me and taking roots in my mental space.

A mental prison.

I really needed to flee my thoughts. They fly back and forth. They get high on possibilities then roll around in self-doubt. They ridicule and criticize every action I take. Every word that escapes my lips get replayed and questioned. Did I say that right? Did I offend this person? Did I come off as rude? I was on a self-inflicted rollercoaster of mental abuse and self loathing.

Now I am planning a different type of journey.

I am learning what is means to be present. I am understanding the courage it takes to not mentally escape and daydream my life away. I am learning to sit in my thoughts. I am listening to what the monologue constantly playing in my mind is telling me. About myself. About the lies I have chosen to believe. I am learning to be gentle with myself. I am learning to take control over what I thought was holding me captive.

One day, I believe I will travel. I believe I will explore parts of the world I have only dreamed about. But for now? I have to sit still. That is what God is calling me to do. Sit still physically and take a journey within. Explore myself. Learn the languages spoken in my soul I find it hard to interpret. Like why do certain smells bring to the surface old memories? Or why do I like feel a pain when I hear certain songs?

I’m tired of searching for home.

I am going to establish home within myself. I am going to watch how it expands, making love materialize.

 

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3 thoughts on “Journeys Back Home

  • I love this post. I know exactly what you mean by “anywhere outside of where I stood would surely bring me happiness and contentment” – I am the same way. I always daydream about being someplace else and, obviously, everything would be better there. I’m currently trying to figure out how I can keep my feet steady on the ground and be more realistic while still not giving up on my dreams.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! It is a difficult balance that takes time to conquer. Be gracious with yourself. We, as creative minds, find it especially hard to sit still when our minds are always moving. We will both find the balance eventually ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • It indeed is. I try to be gracious with myself but sometimes I just wish I did not have the dreams I do. Or rather that I knew how to be content with where I am at the moment. Yes, I agree – at some point we will find the balance 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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