I Had a Melt Down But I’m Fine Now.

I understand what motivated Solomon to write “everything is meaningless.”

Because it is.

I know that is not what is expected of me. Ms. Positivity. But it’s the truth.

These past few weeks, I found myself in a rut. I had finally run to the end of myself and my options. I had done a form of everything I thought could bring about fulfillment in this life. I went to college, I worked full time, I worked in corporate full time, I quit my job in order to pursue my passion. I did ministry, I made friends, I cut off my friends, I made some more friends. I dated….a lot. Then I dedicated seasons (that still has not ended) to being single. I pursued positivity. I meditated. I released all that was inside of me.

I wrote.

(Even writing didn’t help.)

I traveled. I gossiped. I stopped gossiping. I dabbled in photography. I booked a few gigs. I sat on the beach and watched the moon. I had a dog. I tried to learn a new language (my attention span wouldn’t let me). Instead I learned new cultures. I binged watched television series and romantic comedies. I went back to my ex (which one?). I forgave the people who hurt me. I got a tattoo. I got a second tattoo. And much much much much more.

And yet, life still felt meaningless.

Thoughts of suicide plagued me in the past, but my relationship with God wouldn’t let me walk down that path again. Instead, I asked Him a tough, and maybe even an ungrateful, question: what is the point of it all?

I was truly stumped and frustrated and stuck in a cycle of a joyless life. You see everything I did had a moment of happiness, but it soon ended. The smile faded. The excitement waned. And I was back to square one trying to find some purpose. Trying to make it matter. Trying make what I do matter.

And what was even more discouraging was that everyone seemed to be experiencing it. Doctors, lawyers, pastors, missionaries, clubbers, everyone. I know various people doing various things that they may or may not be passionate about, and they all seemed to be searching for the same answer.

So, when will it feel good, ya know? When will life feel good?

I have realized (after two books, meditation, and plenty of quiet time in order to press into this question), that it feel meaningless because it is meaningless…

…apart from God.

The point of life is to glorify God-that is the point of life is to bring about the revelation of God. For it is only in His presence that I experience something that seems to transcend the seasons of life. It is only when I learn more about who He is that I actually feel like life has a purpose. Everything else is just minor details.

My job title will never define me. My friendships. My love life. My family. My passions. None of my pursuits will ever matter if I don’t have God. I have tried everything. Nothing even comes close.

So, these things might be meaningless, but they can be wonderful with God. Life can be beautiful again. Happy moments can mean something once more. Sad moments can inspire!

Man…I don’t care about any of it. We are truly only here for a second in comparison to eternity. I want to make my second a good one-a meaningful one.

By living in the glory (revelation) of God. He has no beginning. He has no end. He just is.

I will enjoy whatever work I am doing in whatever season I am living only if God anchors me in purpose. I will come alive if I understand more about Him and if I help others understand more about Him.

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